What to Say
It’s difficult to write about breastfeeding and guilt. Especially when I am trying to talk about how formula isn’t an equal choice to breast milk. Formula is not as healthy, beneficial or immune and growth supporting for a human infant as breast milk. There are a multitude of other emotional and health benefits for baby and mother when they breastfeed. These are facts. Scientists, bloggers, moms, feminists, mental health experts, nurses, doctors and everyone else can argue over the extent to which formula is inferior, to what extent breastfeeding and the struggle contributes or doesn’t to early motherhood mental health concerns. We know that nearly all parents will want to breastfeed because they want what is best for their children; and for those that want to breastfeed it can be devastating if it doesn’t happen as they wanted it to.
There is a continuum to this, as there is with most things in life. Some will fervently want to breastfeed, will struggle for months with pumping, medication and milk sharing if necessary to get breast milk for their child. On the other end of the spectrum are parents who do want breastfeeding or breast milk for their child but if it doesn’t happen that way they will accept it and move on more readily. There are also those who choose formula from the start.
Healthcare providers and the many other information providers to parents (ie friends, family, bloggers, parenting groups) can be so worried about making parents feel guilty about their feeding choices that it can become difficult to provide factual information and support. We need to recognize, as those informing on infant nutrition, that there will be a measure of disappointment if a parent can’t give breast milk to their child. How much disappointment or sadness over this is individual to a parent and depends on where they are on the ‘breastfeeding spectrum’. The temptation to say, “Formula is basically just as good” and “My kids (friends, family) grew up on formula and they’re just fine” and “It’s ok, just give a bottle” and “Maybe you should stop breastfeeding/pumping” and other variations on this theme is strong. I have used these phrases myself with families. It’s so hard to see someone struggle and you want to make them feel better. However, not only are some of these statements not backed up by fact, they also may be undermining or even belittling a parent’s effort, persistence and commitment to breastfeeding.
I was on the end of the spectrum where I wanted to breastfeed so badly I went through months of struggle with it. I was offered the number for the mental health hotline for new moms, such was my disappointment and struggle with new motherhood and infant feeding. It did affect my mood and mental health. During that struggle, I encountered many healthcare providers, all well-meaning, who were trying to alleviate my “guilt” about formula feeding, as though that’s what I needed to make me feel better.
My family doctor at one point said, when I was giving bottles with formula: “So you feel you’ve done your part to please the lactation consultants and nurses out there!” As though I was going through all this effort just to placate those out there telling me to breastfeed. I didn’t go through the months of hand expression, pumping, destroyed nipples etc. because others thought I should. On the contrary I mostly encountered people telling me I should stop.
The wound care nurse who took care of my nipple wounds said to me “Well it’s just nice that now we don’t have to breastfeed, like they used to have to back in the day before formula”. Yes, because I let my nipples get to the point where they were so damaged they needed wound care just to have you point out I don’t need to do this. Of course I don’t. Again, obviously I’m not putting myself through this because others think I must.
Many others told me about how they formula fed and their kids turned out fine. These were well intentioned comments from people who just wanted to make me feel better. However as mentioned before, for those that are putting in a huge effort to breastfeed, they are at the end of the spectrum where it’s a choice they care deeply about and that’s why they are doing it. Most of us aren’t breastfeeding because others think we should. We do it because we want to, for the health of ourselves and children, and because it’s part of the pregnancy, birth and parenting experience. When it doesn’t work out it’s always sad and disappointing to a parent, sometimes only a little bit and for others it can feel like a huge loss. Some may decide not to breastfeed at all. They are still on that continuum. They still had to make that decision and may feel the need to defend it.
I still am not sure myself how to do this. How do we support moms in their infant feeding experience using facts but without making them feel guilty or wrong for their struggles? For now, the best I can come up with is to treat every situation individually and tailor my words and help to the family to meet their needs where they are on that infant feeding spectrum. In the end, it comes down to each individual family, baby and breastfeeding goal.